What do you mean look for RED flags

Red Flags

I dated a man for six months that had time lines set and marriage to take place by a certain date.  I asked him continually, why he hasn’t been married for years.  I thought in my head continually, how can a good-looking, sweet, genuine, giving man not be married. Then, I was told by a family member that he is narcissist.  Narcissist people are charming for a while, then the other side starts coming out, things that people say to be aware of.

  • Anger issues – they have a temper, they get in your face yelling, they get mad over petty things
  • Beliefs – they tell you it isn’t necessary to go to church, they tell you need to stop reading all your books and read the 5 love languages, because you are not understanding what I need and till you do I am unsure this will work.
  • Blame – they blame you for others doings.
  • Blending – listen for words and actions when the kids are around or aren’t around.
  • Boastful – they talk about how much money they make all the time or what they own and they enjoy showing off their possessions.
  • Boundaries – they ignore that you have boundaries.
  • Children – If they have children, but, the children don’t want to be around much, or act tense, or afraid, or fearful, these children are scared from something tragic.
  • Communication – they comment on your lack of communication or how you do not communicate well.  They want to text or email their feeling all the time, versus open communication like waiting to talk over the phone or in person.
  • Conflict – They get confrontational, while you remain calm. You try to have them remain calm, which pisses them off even more.
  • Control – Controlling your every move and all your decisions.  You try to leave the situation, they try to get you to stay, make you stay, talk you out of leaving.  They tell you, that you have not earned it.  They talk down to you like your are a child.
  • Demeaning remarks – comment how you dress, talk, smell and look.
  • Depression – you start feeling down in the dumps because you are continually doing things wrong in their eyes. Or, they get depressed
  • Expectations – they expect you to fulfil all your needs and they do not ask or reciprocate it back
  • Flirting – they speak about being flirted with all the time. Do they have self-esteem issues?
  • Friendships – Their employer ask you what you see in a person, to how do you deal with their pride and being boastful all the time? Why are you with them?  You do not deserve their comments.  They get combative with their own friends over opinions voiced.
  • Hatred – don’t ever get on their bad side, they hold a grudge forever.
  • Love – they tell you they have fallen in love with you in less than a month…that is infatuation.  You do not know the person well enough to say it’s love.
  • Mistakes – They keep track of your mistakes (mistakes they say you have made with them)
  • Past Events – They hold your events from your past over your head. They have downloaded your entire computer’s history to find out what you are trying to hide, if anything at all.
  • Powerless – do you feel like you can’t make the right decision to save your life?
  • Relationships – they talk about their prior relationships all the time, comparing you to others they were in a relationship with. If they haven’t been married for years or in a relationship for more than 2 years, there is a possibility there are deeper issues.
  • Remarks – Belittling remarks are made continually about you to you or to others.
  • Responsibilities – household chores are expected by you to do all the time or your children while you are staying at their place but not living under their roof full-time.
  • Separation – we need to spend some individual time with friends, family and ourselves, yet they do everything to prevent that unless they can be part of it.
  • Trust – they question every little thing you do all the time.  They questions incoming calls and outgoing calls to your phone, even when you say I don’t know the number, so you respond call the number and find out who.  I have nothing to hide.

All relationships need to be a give and take.  There are some great books out there to read to learn and grow.  I suggest educating yourself prior to looking for a relationship.  I left one after 6 months of the above.  I have never been happier in my life.  I’m currently studying “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

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